this only will make sense if you read my pity party in the previous post. sorry about subjecting you to the pity party fest, but sometimes... anyway. here are my new thoughts on the previous subject.

so i've come to the realization that everything i wrote a few hours ago...while it is actually how i have been feeling...is me just throwing myself a pity party. i know why i'm in this place. i need to grow here. i resist growth, but thankfully the Lord pushes me there. i don't really watch the show "30 rock" but i did here a quote on a clip that i think is quite fitting. basically tina fey's character asks the question "what if i can't swim?" as she is trying to figure out how to deal with the cast of their fictional show. so alec baldwin's character says, "then i'll do what my dad did when i was two...lure you to the edge of the pool with a puppy and push you in." so maybe it doesn't happen like that in that i can swim and there is no puppy but still...sometimes i just need to be shoved into growth. it doesn't matter how much i feel a situation stinks. i need to learn 1. how to be content in all things and 2. how to praise God regardless instead of balling up my fist like i often want to do. so my growth task for this week-ish is to continue to say hallelujah no matter what. my worth is not wrapped up in how many people care about me or remember that i even exist. i am who God is making me and that's all i am asked to be...exactly who He is creating me to be. i'm a huge work in progress. i was starting to feel good about my contentment level so i got my face rubbed in it. so what. i will continue to walk...dirty face and all. after all, everyone falls. at least He's there to clean me up, bandage my wounds, and keeping me moving.

how is it that you can come to hate silence. these last few days have shown me that silence can truly be oppressing, and i loathe it. at least for now. there are days when i crave it, chaotic days when i need it. silence and solitude are my means for recharging. i love people, but sometimes a girl just needs to get away and be. however, now it is taking less alone time to recharge and the silence is becoming draining. i'm really lonely at this point. i have friends, but many of them don't have time in their lives for me due to commitments that i just don't have. it feels like some of them have chosen to replace me with people that i don't think treat them very well. that's just my perception. whether or not this is reality is a moot point. this is the tape playing in my head. this is my reality. i feel like the person everyone loves to be around but no one remembers to call. i'm the back up for when everything else falls through. and in all honesty, it's crap. i can't figure out how to turn the tape off. i would love to. i got it to stop for a month or so, and then here it comes again. maybe i just tuned it out. i know what i need to change. i just don't know how to do it or what exactly to do for that matter. sad isn't it. i really hate being a buzz-kill. but i am right now. is it too much to ask to feel necessary, to feel needed, to feel wanted? because i don't, and it's been awhile since i did, and i'm tired of wanting things i may never have. i'm tired of having dreams and never seeing them become reality. i'm tired of wishing and waiting for things that may never come. i have a great family, but they aren't here, and if they were, i'd still have this commentary going on and on and on. i've prayed and prayed and prayed that God would be enough...that i would find contentment and peace. i have, but it's never constant. and frankly, i'm getting really tired of fighting this battle. but i know that i am made for war, that i have to fight these stupid battles. if i could only get out of my head for awhile, maybe i'd see the way out of these...or at least understand the point of this mess. i can fight against the outside things and do okay. but it's these battles with myself that i just can't get a grip on. these are the things that trip me up most easily. i'm so ready for this war to end.

two posts in the same month. i must be sick! :)
well...the last few days have been pretty rough as far as work goes. i still love my job, and i guess the smooth sailing was bound to get rough eventually. evidently it has. there's one really difficult person that i get the pleasure of working fairly closely with...only she thinks i work FOR her. she likes to come chastise me and tell me how i can better do my job...as far as her class is concerned...on a regular basis. this compounded by the fact that she is constantly comparing me to my predecessor and apparently sees that my lack of testicles makes me incompetent really makes a girl feel good. never mind the fact that i got a degree in this stuff and evidently know enough to get myself licensed. whatever. i just wanted to tell her that i'm not him. (the dude i replaced was...well a dude.) i don't do things like he did, and i don't plan on changing my anatomy to make her more comfortable with my work abilities. evidently the fact that i am relatively young and female puts two strikes against me in her three strike world. cool. i love when people set me up for failure and then try to push me over the edge. but i know God will give me the grace and patience to deal with her and that one day i'm going to have to stand up to her and tell her how i feel about the demeaning way in which she likes to treat me. rant ended.

this post was really supposed to be about something else. i just needed to blog-vomit for a minute. now on to it. i work with some really cool people. two of which are the other counselors on campus. it's a blessing that we gel really well and get along fabulously since there are those sand paper-death breathers hanging around. anyway, one of them is around my age and single. she is really into self-growth and doing those things that stretch you. so she's been giving us challenges. the first of which i actually completed. no, i'm not telling because you don't need to know. after i managed to complete task one with relative ease, i decided to push myself so i've been working on that. so today...after about two weeks of brooding...i did it. i was feeling bold so i did something of my own volition that i would only do if forced. and i didn't die. i've decided that if i want things to change i have to do something other than what i always do...whether that's step into some uncomfortable situations and actually start conversations with strangers. i've also become keenly aware that i sometimes have a big "f off" stamped on my forehead. i am currently working on not wearing that around so people won't think i'm mad all the time. i figure a sign like that can't be good for business, and i don't want to seem unapproachable. it's time to retire it. so that's it. peace out.

so it's been a couple of months. good thing no one reads this thing! the job is going well. the commute is crap, but the job is worth it...although a full moon will make a girl rethink things. man...kids really twist off on and around the full moon. i was skeptical, but i must say it is true. the last two days have been increasingly dramatic...making me lose total track of time and space at one point. it was truly amazing. i don't have any inspiring tales, but i work with some pretty amazing and fun people. we laugh a lot which is really nice when the 6th grade is on my last nerve. they're fun, but sometimes i just want to run screaming down the hall. like this week when we had a lockdown drill WHILE i was teaching a 6th grade health class. sure glad the teacher left me ALONE. it was my first lockdown drill. crazy. but try teaching a class after the drill ends. it's virtually impossible. we survived though. no one died. so all is well in the world. anyway. that's about all. and i must say...free tickets to the fair is pretty darn cool. more money to spend on food that will most likely shave time off my life.