how is it that you can come to hate silence. these last few days have shown me that silence can truly be oppressing, and i loathe it. at least for now. there are days when i crave it, chaotic days when i need it. silence and solitude are my means for recharging. i love people, but sometimes a girl just needs to get away and be. however, now it is taking less alone time to recharge and the silence is becoming draining. i'm really lonely at this point. i have friends, but many of them don't have time in their lives for me due to commitments that i just don't have. it feels like some of them have chosen to replace me with people that i don't think treat them very well. that's just my perception. whether or not this is reality is a moot point. this is the tape playing in my head. this is my reality. i feel like the person everyone loves to be around but no one remembers to call. i'm the back up for when everything else falls through. and in all honesty, it's crap. i can't figure out how to turn the tape off. i would love to. i got it to stop for a month or so, and then here it comes again. maybe i just tuned it out. i know what i need to change. i just don't know how to do it or what exactly to do for that matter. sad isn't it. i really hate being a buzz-kill. but i am right now. is it too much to ask to feel necessary, to feel needed, to feel wanted? because i don't, and it's been awhile since i did, and i'm tired of wanting things i may never have. i'm tired of having dreams and never seeing them become reality. i'm tired of wishing and waiting for things that may never come. i have a great family, but they aren't here, and if they were, i'd still have this commentary going on and on and on. i've prayed and prayed and prayed that God would be enough...that i would find contentment and peace. i have, but it's never constant. and frankly, i'm getting really tired of fighting this battle. but i know that i am made for war, that i have to fight these stupid battles. if i could only get out of my head for awhile, maybe i'd see the way out of these...or at least understand the point of this mess. i can fight against the outside things and do okay. but it's these battles with myself that i just can't get a grip on. these are the things that trip me up most easily. i'm so ready for this war to end.